“Sometimes God’s goodness is disguised as suffering.” I talk myself through the morning, trying to bring to mind the Lord’s provision in the midst of past despair. I so soon forget. The girl who makes coffee at the front desk told me about her friend who was making it a point to periodically write down the miracles, the ways the Lord provides for her, during this especially difficult time in her life. Lately I’ve substituted other things for writing, and in the processes I think I’ve lost track of the miracles.
The hope lies not just in that God has provided in the past. What comfort is that if it does not stand as a testimony to what he will do in the future? He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. But in the instability of my week days, it seems like tomorrow could be totally different than I expected or planned for today. I fear that my physical needs will not be cared for even if I am wise with my finances. I stand here, breath held, waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Maybe it’s being there at the doctor’s office, at seven, when mom got her diagnosis. Everything changed. All my childhood memories start there. It is my reference point. Instilling in me the assurance that at any moment you could get the bad news that will completely overturn how you thought your life was supposed to be lived. Yet, I forget how that summer we stayed at our aunts’, picking strawberries and dancing in the rain. My worst memories are also overlaid with some of my best. Mom went away for treatment, but she came back. I learned the importance of family and how suffering can bring you close to people, closer than you ever thought possible.
This time my vestiges of security are falling away, but I am still not alone. I have a husband to go through this trial along side. We have a roof over our heads. We are not abandoned. I may despair in the night, when the tears come more easily and the voices of doubt shout their loudest. But in the morning, one cup of coffee in, I’m ready to fight.
I will wait so the Lord’s power may be made perfect in my weakness.